Men's Rules

• It is only common courtesy that you should leave the seat on the toilet up when you are done.
• If you are cooking a special dinner for a man, be sure to include something from each of the four major male food groups: Meat (fried), Potatoes (fried), Bread and Beer.
• Don't make him hold your purse in the mall.
• Despite the overwhelming evidence to the contrary in many of the fine bars and fraternities throughout the country, not all men are cretins deserving your contempt.
• Shopping is not fascinating.
• When he asks for a threesome with you and your best friend, he is only joking, unless the answer is yes, in which case, can he videotape it?
• If you really want a nice guy, stop dating good-looking buttholes.
• The man is always in charge of poking the campfire with a stick and tending the barbeque.
• Trying to provoke a large, dangerous-looking felon from across the room is not funny.
• Any attempt by a man to prepare food, no matter how feeble (ie:Microwaving a burrito, fixing Spaghetti, etc) should be met with roughly the same degree of praise a parent might shower upon their infant when it walks for the first time.
• Those male models with perfect bodies are all gay. Accept it.
• He heard you the first time.
• You know, you can ask him out too... Let's spread the rejection around a little.
• If you truly want honesty, don't ask questions you don't really want the answer to.
• Of course he wants another beer.
• The guy doesn't always have to sleep on the wet spot.
• Big dogs good. Small dogs and cats bad.
• Any sort of injury involving the testicles is not funny.
• If he has to sit through "Legends of the Fall", you have to sit through "Showgirls".
• "Fine."is not an acceptable way to end an argument.
• Do not question a man's innate navigational abilities by suggesting he stop for directions.
• He was not looking at that other girl, well, okay... maybe a little, okay, so what! He was looking at her. Big deal. Like you've never looked at another guy.
• He is the funniest, strongest, best-looking, most successful man you have ever met.
• Your (select appropriate item:) butt/boobs/hair/makeup/legs look fine. As a matter of fact, it/they look damn good. Stop asking.
• If you want a satisfying sex life, you will never fake an orgasm.
• It is not necessary to discuss the heaviness of your menstrual flow with him.
• Two words: blow job. Learn it. Live it. Love it.
• Dirty laundry comes in several categories: Looks fine/smells fine, Looks fine/smells bad, Looks dirty/smells fine. Unless you intend to wash it, do not try to disrupt piles organized in this manner.
• Yes, Sharon Stone/Pamela Anderson/Cindy Crawford is prettier than you. Just like Brad Pitt/Antonio Banderas/Keanu Reeves is better looking than him. But since neither one of you is going to be dating any of these people, love the one you're with.
• Of course size matters, and boy does he have the granddaddy of them all.
• His (fill in appropriate selections:) bald spot/beer gut/impossibly thick glasses/impotency/scabby rash, is cute.
• Don't hog the covers.
• Watching football is a major turn-on for you. But please wait until the halftime show to act upon that.
• He does not just want to be friends.
• A successful date always starts with the woman uttering the sentence:"You know, why don't we just skip the expensive dinner and stay here having freaky circus sex all night?"