Woman's English

• I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron
• It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now
• Do what you want = You'll pay for this later
• We need to talk = I need to complain
• I'm sorry = You'll be sorry
• Sure, go ahead = I don't want you to
• We need = I want
• I want new curtains = and carpeting, and furniture, wallpaper
• This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house
• Do you love me = I'm going to ask for something expensive
• You don't have to get me anything = If you forget, don't bother to come home
• I want you to come and buy a butter dish with me = I am going shopping all day because I want some new curtains, 3 pairs of shoes, 2 dresses, bring your cheque book because I am not spending my money, some pillows, a quilt and a butter dish
• Hang the picture there = NO, I mean hang it there
• You are so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot
• You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about
• Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs
• I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep
• I'll be ready in a minute. = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on TV
• Is my butt fat = Tell me I'm beautiful
• You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me
• Are you listening to me = Too late, you're dead
• Was that the baby = Why don't you get out of bed and walk him until he goes to sleep
• How much do you love me = I did something today you're really not going to like
• I'm not yelling = Yes I am yelling because I think this is important
• The answer to = What's wrong
• The same old thing = Nothing
• Nothing = Everything
• Everything = My PMS is acting up
• Nothing, really = It's just that you're such an asshole